I am sure that just the title has ruffled some feathers already! Please bear with me as I explain
my point. I was a world-class enabler when it came to my kids. The six week family history project that I
dutifully helped my middle kid to produce overnight? Gratefully, Kinko’s was open 24 hours a
day at that time. The clarinet I grudgingly delivered nearly once a week because he forgot it
again? Guilty as charged. I helped him over and over again so there wouldn’t be any stress for
him. There also weren’t any consequences. He didn’t learn how to handle his own mistakes so
he was repeating them over and over.
I get it. No one wants their child to be unhappy, struggle, and feel like a failure. ln my case, I was
temporarily keeping that from happening, but my interference in what could have been a
learning experience due to natural consequence and my doubt in my son that he could figure
out his own solutions were hobbling him. I HAD to stop. One day, I asked him what would
happen if I did not deliver the forgotten woodwind. He said he would have to write a 5 page
paper about “some old dead composer.”
“That’s it?”, I asked. None of the horrible failing grades or awful punishments I had conjured up
in my head? I responded “Okay, then. Next time you forget your clarinet, sharpen up your pencil
because I am not bringing it.” I believe I got a “Humph” in response.
Sure enough, a week or two later, the call came. “Mooooom, pleeeease bring me my clarinet,
pleeeeeease!” I replied “No, remember we talked about this? I am sorry, but no. ” “But, Mom! I
will have to…..” I know”, I interrupted. “Love you, son. Goodbye. “
The worst possible thing happened according to my son. He was made to face up to his mistake
and pay the consequences himself. The paper took a long time to write, but he did a good job,
learned a bit about Beethoven, and never forgot his clarinet again.
Working with kids at HELP, I see so many parents who do the same thing. When their child is
struggling through an exercise, they want to make it easy for them. They want to show them the
answer instead of letting them figure it out for themselves. The only way to help our kids is to
sometimes let them fail. Teaching kids to juggle is one of the things I do. Breaking things down
into manageable parts is important, but then they have to drop some beanbags. Sometimes a
whole lot of beanbags. Then they learn what to to to keep from dropping them. Where to put
their hand and when to close it. When writing words, if the word is spelled incorrectly, ask
them “How does that look?” When having them work on their auditory memory, ask “How did
that sound? ” Allowing them to build their own sense of “Warning”, the ability to notice and
self-correct their own mistakes is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.
I tried to be my kids’ protector and surrogate left brain, the side of the brain that deals with
cause and effect, judgment, and learning from our mistakes. I wasn’t allowing them to learn from
their mistakes if I was always trying to prevent them from making them.
l am not talking about safety concerns. Obviously, if someone is in danger of running into the
street, they must be stopped immediately and then spoken to about the possible injury that
could have occurred. l am talking about letting them have enough time to figure out a tough math
problem before jumping in with the answer or solution. l am talking about letting your child take
the time he needs to process a response to a question before assuming she doesn’t know the
answer.
All of the kids HELP works with can, with enough time, come up with the right answer or can
learn a certain exercise. lt is we, the parents, who sometimes feel that if it’s taking too long, the
child must be struggling too much and either stop the exercise or give them the answer right
before the child can do it themselves. This can make our children feel like we do not have
confidence in them and can set up a pattern of quitting things when they get hard or simply
saying “l don’t know” or ” I can’t.” Letting our kids know we have faith in their abilities to figure it
out (even if a hint is needed ) helps build their self-esteem and makes them willing to try things
that are more difficult.
I was doing a post-program test on a young man the other day and we were assessing his
ability to sequence auditory information. This was a very long sequence of numbers and he put
the correct numbers in, but in a very mixed-up order. He then looked at the numbers and said
that they were not in the right order. He slowly rearranged them until they were right without any
cueing. Had his mom or I taken the opportunity from him to self-correct, he would have missed
out on the huge sense of accomplishment he felt noticing and correcting his errors. He was
absolutely beaming.
So, I have learned that to really help anyone learn I have to care for them enough to let them
fail. Let them make mistakes, let them learn from those mistakes and most importantly give
them the time necessary to figure things out. I can’t rush their process without hindering their
progress. I have to give them the time to realize their error, reason out the best way to fix it, and
then, only then, do they learn that they are capable, they are smart and they are amazing! The
confidence that comes with that knowledge is invaluable.
